Federal investigators requested banks to scour buyer transactions for . . . purchases at shops together with Dick’s Sporting Items and Bass Professional Retailers . . .
In my yard, I noticed ten or twelve SWAT workforce members wearing black, carrying Kevlar, and carrying assault rifles. Uh-oh, I assumed, I will need to have skipped a fee on my Chase bank card.
However it was much more severe than that. On the Justice Division’s route, my financial institution analyzed my bank card information and found I had bought two Carhartt shirts at Bass Professional Store. The Feds learn me my rights and arrested me on two counts of sedition.
I mortgaged my home to rent the very best legal lawyer in Baton Rouge—Robert Hufflepuff. “You have been caught red-handed,” Hufflepuff instructed me, “and the proof towards you is overwhelming.
“It is solely a matter of time,” Hufflepuff added, “earlier than the FBI finds out about these mittens you purchased at Cabela’s. And the way will you clarify that replicate of Saint Teresa of Avila’s autobiography in your bookshelf? Non secular literature is one other extremism indicator.”
On my lawyer’s recommendation, I made a full confession and agreed to rat out my kin and go into the witness safety program. I’ve an enormous household, and the Feds arrested dozens of my nieces, nephews, brothers-in-law, and ex-brothers-in-law. All of them had purchased stuff from Bass Professional Store, Cabela’s, or Dick’s Sporting Items, and some had some spiritual books of their houses. It was the largest bust of treason plotters since Waco.
I’ve realized quite a bit from this traumatic episode. I now understand I ought to have by no means purchased these Carhartt shirts from Bass Professional Store. If I had purchased them from Academy Sports activities, the FBI wouldn’t have arrested me, and about two dozen of my kin wouldn’t be going through onerous time in a federal jail.
Second, the FBI witness safety program will not be as glamorous as you would possibly suppose. I hoped to make a recent begin in a captivating metropolis like San Francisco. Possibly I may get a gig as a hedge fund supervisor and pull down some huge bucks.
Sadly, my FBI handler solely supplied me one choice: a brand new identification as a Baptist preacher in Dry Prong, Louisiana. I made a decision to take my possibilities.
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| I am so sorry. I purchased a few shirts at Bass Professional Store! |
